Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Confession: I Hate Cuddly Pup

Every 25 school days, Kid comes home from kindergarten with a cow-themed satchel containing. . . . nope, not a cow, but "Cuddly Pup," a small stuffed dog who spends overnight at each child's home and brings with him a math book, some spelling and reading exercizes and a journal in which each happy child is to draw or describe the thrilling adventures had with Cuddly.

We had CP for six days over the holiday and had not a thing to share with the class come Tueday morning when school was back in. I desperately flung him into the red vehicle on the way to swimming lessons and then stuffed him, it, whatever, into the locker while Kid was in the pool and then tried to make it look like we'd been to the pool as a family, remembered to take CP and carefully documented the whole madcap go-round of gaiety. Kid was having none of it. "Dude," he says to me he says, "we COULD write that we imprisoned Cuddly Pup in a dark locker with only my Spiderman underpants to keep him company while we had fun. That would be the truth."

This whole taking care of Cuddly Pup thing is kind of the last straw with me. I have enough to do without worrying about the wellbeing of an understuffed toy that, frankly, smells kind of yucky and wants me to do math with a five-year-old. Five year olds should do math only to the extent that it enables them not to know how much things cost, whether five jellybeans is less or more than eight jellybeans and that clocks do sometimes run backwards, meaning that bedtime tonight is at 7 and not 8 because 7 really is 8 just for this once.

Teachers. I can tell they're going to be a problem already.


  1. I never appreciate the parental assignments either. Maybe it would be a good time to help Kid pracice his manners with a "No Thank You" when his turn comes up next.

    Or, you could consider the following: "Dear Ms. Wacker, I am terribly sorry for the state of poor Cuddle Puppy. I recognize that we were chosen to be the guardians for the little guy this past weekend, but as I did not have a choice in the matter I feel like I can hardly be held responsible for the damage. Our family had a very busy weekend hauling the stuffed toy around. Lucky little Puppy came with us to the nursing home for a family gathering. Please note that the vomit on the toy is not from my child but from another little child who was cuddling the puppy. That is why it is sealed in the plastic bag. I also recommend waiting at least two weeks before opening the bag as it turns out Puppykins was also exposed to head lice. Don't worry, Kid was treated along with the rest of the 34 other people at his great-grandmother's birthday party and all the residents and staff at the home. For the math part of the homework, Kid counted all of the adults and all of the kids at the party, added them together and made a really great graph. He cross-categorized them by familial association, gender, and age. It was very impressive. You will have to take my word for it because it is also the mucky, wet paper in the bag with Cuddle Puppy. It was, unfortunately, the first thing handy when the puking occurred. As you can see, I did not get around to cleaning Cuddle Puppy. Thanks for managing that little assignment for me after all we have done for dear little Cuddle-puddle."

    Best of luck. Let me know how it goes!

  2. Alpha Monkey! Thanks for the note--I will ensure that someone barfs on Cuddly Pup the very next time he shows up for a sleepover at our place.

    You have made my day, btw.