Saturday, December 9, 2017

Spoiler

Today, a male person wrote an article about why hiring women is not just the right thing to do but actually makes business sense for his company. We are all clapping and cheering for him.

I am pleased he wrote this article and he seems like a very excellent person. I think we would be friends and allies. The company involved is really progressive and I honour them for their promoting of women to positions of authority and influence, and for the women there helping one another up.

But.

Women have been saying this, writing this, shouting this, singing this, painting this, protesting this problem for as long as I have been alive, which is now a rather long time.

That a woman selling products to women might like to see a woman or two on her agency team isn't a "spoiler" to the half of us who are ourselves women. To the half of us who watched, for  years, as male after male was groomed for leadership and woman after woman was .... well, was not.

I have had to address the ghostly lady presence time and time and time and time again and again and again. Practically every client. Every presentation. Every prospectus. Four countries. Every "Our Team" gallery of mostly white guys. "Hey, you need a woman there," I would say, and one or two would be dragged up for the occasion. After a "hey, you're right."

Spoiler: OF COURSE I'M RIGHT, YOU KNUCKLEHEAD.

<applause>





Monday, December 4, 2017

Close Your Eyes and Think of Western Democracies

Today I went up to the university to listen to David Frum. That I did this on purpose and with some excitement tells you a lot about where we are politically at this time here on planet Earth. I've kind of changed my mind maybe a little bit about DF because he is saying all kinds of mean things on TV about Trump, which are some of my favourite things that conservatives can be saying on TV these days.

Anyhow, Mr Frum has four ideas about what we can be doing to save Western democracies from creeping decay and maybe fascism. I only remember one, really, because it was this: Women need to bear more children. After that my brain kind of went ferfucksakeferfucksakeferfucksake over and over and over again.

And, I believe, what he was *really* saying is that more WHITE women need to be having more babies. White women need to have more babies so that we don't keep letting all these immigrants in. And he didn't, for the record, say "child-rearing." It was "child-bearing."

So, this is what I heard him whispering underneath all the things he was saying more loudly and humorously and sagely:

The ultra-rich (men) who run the world are angsty because there are hordes of brown people coming into the countries into which their own ancestors only recently arrived, and these brown people are working with unhinged lefties to agitate unrealistically about the right to healthcare and affordable education and jobs that pay a living wage. Rich white men don't like to share, and old rich white men are naturally more conservative, so they get a little fascisty and fuck up democracy so that they get to keep what they already have.. In order to calm their poor nerves, stem immigration, and provide an army of able-bodied white people to work in factories and schools and hospitals and brokerages, it is up to white women to produce more babies.

Now, look: I'm no genius. I'm also maybe a little menopausal (no more white babies for me!), my mind wanders, I'm naturally suspicious, my dog eats loads of illegal butter while I'm not looking and it's really getting on my nerves because the neighbours are all judging me for letting the puppy get so fat so quickly but it is not my fault that he is athletic and addicted to animal fats. Maybe DF didn't mean to give me this impression. He was speaking quickly. But what I *thought* I heard was this:

Ladies, abandon the Resistance. Tune out Elizabeth Warren. People are really all just "primates in pants" (not pantsuits). The way to stabilize society is not to march on Washington. It's to close your eyes and think of Western Democracies.




Sunday, December 3, 2017

Do Not Resuscitate

Today our childhood babysitter came by the parental condo to write up a new will and some personal directives for the aged relatives.

If that ain't the realest shit that ever got real, whatever takes that title has my respect.

The last time I saw E, she was 14 and seemed like the most glamorous creature on earth. She was already a published author (in that she had written a personalized story for me when I was ill). She played pretty good baseball. She helped me learn to ride a bike. She was the owner of Ol' Slobbersides, the first dog I ever loved, and would actually pick up his soaking wet tennis ball in her bare hands and throw it down the park for him to fetch, my first experience of the Power of Real Love.  She would let us stay up playing hairdresser until the moment the Buick headlights came up the driveway and then supervise nightgowned pelting down the hall and into the white bunkbeds with matching purple quilts. We would listen to her assuring our parents that everything had been really quiet and boring and mentioning nothing--nothing--about the popcorn battle or the human pyramid or the go-go party. Chanel No 5 and the rustle of the silk lining of our mother's Persian Lamb shorty coat, a whiff of cigarette smoke, the sound of the door opening and closing and then opening and closing again as dad returned from walking E home five houses up the street. That sense of complete security that accompanied the return of mother and father to the bungalow, the reassurance that the glamorous pair who had left us behind had returned and would by morning be just themselves again.

45 years later, I see E's freckly long-legged girlhood--and mine--now transformed by sensible cardigans, good shoes and fashion-forward spectacles. Her prisoner-of-war father finally succumbed to the shrapnel in his brain, while my deafened-by-artillery father nods and smiles in his leather chair, pretending to hear the legal options being proffered him. Now unable to do more than fondly pat her stilettos, my mother wears a velour track suit and asks the same question about Do Not Resuscitate directives multiple times in a row. We explain in detail about who gets to say Enough should she or dad be on life support. We talk about who gets my share of the estate if I die before my parents, who gets my childless sister's share if she should die first, and we all shudder with the memory of a much-too-close brush with death three years ago.

I find myself longing for just one shot of Bols Apricot Brandy, in one of the cut-crystal glasses that used to live in the china cabinet beside the picture window.

How strange it is that this pretty middle-aged lawyer with good skin should preside as surely over the ending of it all as she did over it all beginning.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

BAND CAMP

I was going to write about band camp and how I am going there in one more day and how I will stay there for three days and how there will be dozens upon dozens of teenagers there with me with their fanfoozlers and how it will be Halloween and how I am supposed to be fun and yet also be in charge despite lumpy waistline and somehow also sneak my laptop there because I work and have a deadline but I didn't tell anyone on my team that I would be in the foothills listening to sad tuba noises and how the camp is basically in the headwaters of the Aryan Nation in this province and how I forgot to tell anyone about what I can or cannot eat and how as a result I will have to pack alternate sources of nutrition that involve no nuts even though as a vegetarian nuts make up roughly 40% of my protein intake and how to top it all off I will be The Anemic Mom at band camp but I am overwhelmed with despair and foreboding and am just going to put on a snail mucin mask (ha they think they are smart by writing snail mucin instead of snail mucus but I am not fooled) and hope hope hope I have an allergic reaction that lands me in the hospital where my roommate will be a remarkably personable middle-aged woman with a thriving international company who is GASP looking for a smart person to handle her communications at a very lucrative wage and is willing to throw in an S-class Mercedes to sweeten the deal and she is also very good at getting the hospital kitchen to make food and not gross goo and I will be lying there quietly picking my sad snail scabs but eating real chocolate pudding and looking up Christmas holidays in Tahiti which I can now afford and how. 

ALSO: THIS IS SOMEONE'S LIFE.


Tuesday, August 23, 2016

A Glory?

If a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her (1 Corinthians 1:15)

Thank you, crazy St Paul, for this little gem. 

Question: what if a woman have "a long hair"? Still a glory? What if it's on her chin? What if, like an iceberg, 11/12s of this hair is below the surface and must be coaxed from a woman's face with pointy pieces of iron, gentle, gentle, just a little non-trembly tugging, a slow and nauseating unraveling of wiry glory? Does one cry Hosana when this one hair finally emerges and is pluck't or is cursing more appropriate because the hair is no longer covered (by face skin) and, if you didn't know it before you've now heard it here, Paul also insisted that women cover their head hairs up for also oddly unexplained reasons. Is face hair the same as head hair? We are nearing the epistemological nexus of the definition and lived experience of "glory" here and we are missing key information

The Bible is forever leaving out the important bits. 

Looks like St Paul here might have known a thing or two about chin hairs himself. 
I assume he is leaving out the details because too much glory is bad for girls. He's a little sweet on us, you know that, right? It's why he is so stern with us. Because he really, really likes us and perhaps even steals a look at us from time to time when he thinks we're not paying any attention. 

That's it for today's Adventures in Exegesis. I'm going to explore the eschatology of toenails one of these days soon so do be sure to never check back. 

Monday, April 4, 2016

Wiggly

What kind of mother locks herself in the bathroom with the tub running and the fan on so she can eat the last Klondike bar without her child hearing the wrapper crinkling until it is too late?

Go ahead, heap your contumely upon me. I've done worse.

I used to eat spiders. All the kids on our crescent did it at least some of the time. I think there was some sort of mom cult thing going on where they decided in their pointy-bra'd way that if we were busy catching and eating spiders we wouldn't be pestering them for food or attention, so they whispered to us in our dreams that we should really be spending more time eating spiders and less time begging for story-time. That they would love us more than they did our siblings--and since at least half of us were Catholic, there were a lot of siblings to be competed with--if we came home late in the afternoon full of spiders, tuckered out and ready for bed. That spider protein would make us better looking than the other kids, smarter than the other kids, and stronger than any kids in the history of the neighborhood. Spider silk would make our hair fine but so so strong and it might even help parachute us safely to the ground when we flung ourselves from trees. Spider eyes would help us win Kick the Can, even at night. The hemocyanin in spider blood, with its strange blue tint, might fool a prince into thinking we were in fact blue-blooded in that all-important royal way and we would be swept off to live in a castle forever. This was the part I imagine my mother enjoyed the most: helping me fantasize about going to live somewhere else, to leave my smelly runners in someone else's country, to spit toothpaste inexpertly in someone else's sink, to play my never-fucking-ending arpeggios on someone else's fucking piano.

The little grey spider that lives in the upper northwest corner of our shower waves her elegant little legs at me as I sit here on the bath mat licking mint and chocolate from my horrible stubby fingers. She has seen me do this before. I'm going to eat her next and dream of turrets.


Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Maybe this time

I've thought I was back before. Quite a few times over the past few months/maybe a year, it's occurred to me "Ah, now is the time when I've put this all behind me." "This all" = cancer, cancer, dementia, dementia, overdose, dementia, emotional breakdown....none of it mine (yet). One of those dementias is my dog's, for the love of GOD.

It occurs to me that this is what the second half of life is all about: learning to live without. Without certain beloved people, without certainty, without routine. I went back to work--and failed miserably. I went back to writing--and wound up staring out the window for hours at a time, contemplating (with a depth of contemplation I'd previously never experienced) the ass end of a plastic goose on an overstated plinth in the neighbor's back yard. I went back to yoga--and remained in the fetal position in the dark until they turned on all the studio lights and made "we are closing this building" noises.

But something happened the other day that made me think that there's a new chapter writing itself. It went like this:

Russian mammogram technician: Maybe you have *face* of first wife, but you have breasts of second wife."

RIGHT?

I'm back, aren't I?
!!!