Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Minnesota in the morning

The Internet has done many mean things to me. It has publicized an unfortunate photograph of eyeless me in a sunhat; it has turned me into an Etsy addict (but isn't this cute? At least I will be a well-dressed Etsy addict); it has, via webmail, caused me to hit "Reply All" when I ought not to have (I didn't like that job anyhow) (and he was a bastard) (and he basically had it coming) (but I am sorry about his wife being pregnant with the quads at the time); it has caused me to spend sad amounts of time obliterating jewel-toned stars in an attempt to I forget what but it really seems really important at the time. You know the story.

But the Internet has done at least one lovely thing for me: it has found me the very greatest friend. Who is a decade younger than me, lives in a different country, and over whom I tower, particularly in the orange platform heels I cannot wait to show her tomorrow. She is the finest munchkin bestie in tap shoes that a girl could ever have. We met in the chat room of a Swedish blog (thanks, Emi!) and instantly bonded over  almost everything, from Edward Gorey to Opi "Mermaid to Order" nail polish to taxidermy to interesting metaphors about rolled up microwaved cheese quesadillas (don't ask). In the last few years, we've had a first date in Los Angeles--and neither of us was a serial killer! Yay!--and even our ridiculous husbands got along; then a birthday trip to Calgary (it snowed);  a family vacation lakeside in Idaho (there were margaritas); and a writers' conference in the far suburbs of Vancouver (there were no omelettes). And tomorrow I get to go to Minnesota! I have been promised gin, backyard toad lesbians (really), no hikes, lots of floppy-hat and sunglasses events, a French dinner and four different ice cream parlours except without the "u." I hear there is a bomb shelter. I KNOW.

Thank you, universe, for the Internet.
See you tomorrow, Grits!

Monday, May 14, 2012


Things I learned today:

1. Never give up with the plunger.
2. Snake bites hurt, even if (especially if) given by smallish but fierce little people disappointed about television.
3. The time lag between my snapping someone's head off and their unwise decision to say even ONE MORE WORD about the amount of liquid that the very expensive organic chicken breasts have given up, even if it is a sign that they have been previously frozen and a practical guarantee that they will be tough: 3 seconds. I am nuclear powered!
4. A child can weep for a toy that was "disappeared" four years ago.
5. A farting foxhound does nothing to alleviate tension in a room in which a child is weeping for a long-lost toy and a spouse is kvetching about meat products purchased by a FREAKING VEGETARIAN, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT DO YOU EXPECT.
6. Ahem.
7. A plane from Calgary International Airport leaves for Barcelona at 11.47 this evening.

Meet me at the gate?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

OH in Ottawa

If you couldn't afford to HAVE a child,  you shouldn't have had one. --apropos of not buying a Certain Someone an iPad on the grounds that they were expensive

Jay-cues Fartier! Who's he when he's at home? --upon scaling statue at Parliament Hill of Jacques Cartier, the modern European discoverer of our fair nation

My mom is super grumpy today. Something about the moon and her ovals. Blah blah blah. -- informing the waiter at The Metropolitaine about why a Certain Someone was sulking over his steak frites

Creepy, dusty stuff. -- critical appraisal of The Canadian Museum of Civilization

THIS BABY JESUS DOESN'T HAVE A PENIS. I THOUGHT HE WAS GOD. -- Renaissance Gallery, National Gallery of Canada

Is that the Prime Minister's car? How do they know we don't have A BOMB?! WE COULD JUST THROW A BOMB RIGHT --  hastily shushed observation about security, or lack thereof, at Parliament Hill

If that guy behind me doesn't stop snoring I'm going to shove Twizzlers up his nose. -- observation shouted while watching Teletoons with headphones on at 37000 feet

You at least have one dollar to spend on your child, do you not? I need a massage. --upon spying the vibrating chairs opposite baggage claim.