Friday, September 17, 2010

Close Encounters of the Parent-Teacher Kind

Off to meet the new teacher in half an hour. Going through my list of reminders to self:

--Don't mention that thing about the badger
--Don't try to make all adjectives five syllables
--Jokes about headlice aren't funny to a Grade 2 teacher
--Don't talk about underpants
--Don't call Kid a "little weirdo" or a "varmint"
--Probably shouldn't refer to him as "Smoochy" either
--Or "stupid pants"
--Avoid referring to you-know-what
--Steer clear of talk about medieval catapults
--Practice these words: normal, calm, well-adjusted, delightful
--Don't eat mints to cover the smell of gin
--Best not to chew gum either
--Not that I've been drinking
--Why am I always talking about gin? I hardly ever drink gin
--Remember: not everyone thinks the word "gin" is as funny as you do
--Best not to talk about drinking at all
--Also medications are out
--Say something nice about her lipstick but in a non-creepy way (like, not "I bet that shade looks great on vinyl")
--Never mention to anyone you know that you keep a blog
--Maybe stop blogging altogether
--Wear shoes this time


  1. Forgive me for saying this...and I hope you noticed I waited until the event was no longer current (that was on purpose)...but I suspect the teacher has seen it all before. I mean, you know your child better than she. But she knows children. And I know your child a bit. And I am going to add that, perhaps because you are close to him and he is your experience, that it is understandable he is your baseline. But there is no freaking chance in hell that Lief is the worst kid in his class!!! He might be the sharpest accidental insulter, the most poignant commentator, and the most astute questioner. But he is not the worst. You will have to concede that someone else's child will be wearing that title!

  2. Here's a little secret: I insist publicly that L is awful because, privately, I believe him to be the most excellent small boy on earth. Hearing this kind of thing tends to put people off their oats so I keep it to myself.

    You called my boy poignant and astute and that's another reason for loving you as much as I do. Which is a lot.