1. No shade of lipgloss really looks all that great if you have black hairs sticking out from under your nose.
2. Storing all tax-related receipts and forms in a plastic bag that also turns out to contain a mustardy napkin from Subway makes paying those taxes infinitely more demeaning and horrible. Go to better restaurants in future.
3. No one can tell decaf coffee from caf coffee just by smelling it.
4. "Wocka-chicka wocka-chicka" is the most appealing sound effect of all time--but is not for every occasion.
5. Don't agree to participate in business-related conference calls when Kid has breakfasted on raisins.
6. Do not take it personally when Kid insists you are not a genius at all, just a Crazy Old Woman. Which, coincidentally, spells "COW."
7. Wearing the antique gin bottle tag as a necklace gives people the wrong idea.
8. Always, always check seat of pants for pervy HoneyNut Cheerios.
9. Putting a Lightning McQueen towel over the bedroom mirror does not mean that you no longer look like a sausage in your bathing suit.
10. Some people have long memories. Best to avoid them.
Where can I get me one of those gin bottle tags? I wear an antique, Victorian (East Lake) key escutcheon around my neck. What does that say about me? I think it echoes my freshman year RA who knocked on my door and told me, "everyone else has chosen to leave their doors open on this floor and when you close your door all the time you are shutting out new friends." To which I replied, "ok." But then shut my door and wished I had said, "sweet, then it works!" and slammed my door on her face. That is definitely on my list of if-onlys.
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