Oooh, I Want This

Oh, Jacqueline Sanchez, you have captured my heart right here. When I am rich, I will buy this from you. I will buy TWO.

This Week in Wisdom

1. Never regard the threat " . . . or I'll poo in my Batman jammies" as idle.
2. Even those of us with classic profiles can suffer the indignity of nose zits.
3. Booking a holiday more than two hours in advance of departure tempts the gods to throw some mucus your way.
4. It is completely worth however much it costs to have someone else deal with the coonhound's "fish bum" issues.
5. It is not as easy as you'd think to find a red Lego lightsaber beneath the deck. It's easier to, say, find two wasp nests.
6. Wal-Mart isn't the hell hole I'd imagined it to be. For an evil empire, it is at least brightly lit and features an extensive array of baseball bats.
7. The whole "guys in trucks" thing is STILL NOT OVER.
8. You will miss the coyotes howling when you can no longer hear them.
9. The little indigenous grey squirrel? The cute little one with the white rings around his eyes? Yeah, he's a shit like the rest of them.
10. Always make it clear to the arborist that he is free to use your bathroom. Otherwise, you'll catch him peeing on the raspberry bushes outside your bedroom window when woken from your sick bed by the sound of. . . oh no is that a burst tap in the garden??

World Victim Finals

Starting to notice: Kid is seriously invested in being a victim. Give him 11 Easter eggs, and he'll complain that only 8 of them are in red foil and surely this is because he is being ripped off on purpose. Give him a glass of milk and he'll note that yesterday's milk was colder and that this isn't fair. Give him a hug and have it pointed out that your glasses have "bashed" his forehead. There are only three Rebel troopers in his Lego battle pack, but ANDREW has four. Help him on with his socks and hear all about how you scratched his leg and could he please have a bandaid. Dad got 7 capers in his dinner and only 6 for poor Kid. He feels unloved when you ask him to please for the love of God please please brush his teeth.

Today being Easter, and me having had it to HERE with the histrionics, I thought I'd explain to him about victimhood on the world stage. As in the story of Jesus. How it ends, not how it started, which he knows all about. (The Mad Eyes brough presents but he couldn't play with any of them because they weren't toys and he had to go home from the hospital on a donkey.)

Kid, already feverish and chattering, is sitting up in his bed, hugging his knees, eyes very very large indeed, totally reconsidering his position on the Romans.

And another day of exceptional parenting draws to a close.

The Lost Tomb

I believe that the person buried in the Lost Tomb, a Lego product containing 300 or so very tiny pieces (including four ears of Anubis--don't ask), will be me.